I Had a Miscarriage

I never knew how many times I would repeat that sentence in my mind.  I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage.  I have tried it in different voices, with emphasis on different words. I have whispered it. I have yelled it. It never gets easier.
I knew it was happening before it happened.  I mourned this sweet baby when it still had a heartbeat. I mourned it again when the rhythm had stopped. I have sobbed. I have slept. I am hollow. 
There are three dates I will never forget.  
September 16, 2015 - I took a pregnancy test at school, convinced of a faulty pregnancy test the night before.  A faint pink line showed up.  I checked it twelve times throughout the day.  Still there.  I was pregnant. 
October 21, 2015 - Our baby only measured six week four days. I am a planner.  My planner said nine weeks. I knew something was wrong. The doctor assured me that it wasn't.  We heard a wonderful, steady heartbeat of 129 beats per minute.  I swallowed what my mama heart feared. We celebrated our new baby. 
November 1, 2015 - I lost my baby. I sat in a plastic chair in the Emergency Room, and I allowed myself to accept it.  Three hours later, I listened to the doctor say it.  My baby had stopped growing. There was no heartbeat.  I should have been eleven weeks.  
This past week I have learned that life will go on. Without the new baby.  The sun still rises and sets. We still need groceries.  We still have to pay bills.  The laundry does not do itself.  I found myself sitting at an intersection the other day. I wanted to get out of my car and scream to anyone that would listen, 'Do you not know what I'm going through?  Do you not know that I don't have a baby anymore?"  Lest you think that I've gone off the deep end, I should tell you that it was only a fleeting moment.  The light turned green, and I continued to my destination.  
"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (Ecclesiastes 3: 1-4)  I have mourned.  Yesterday, I danced with my son.  We laughed. 
To all the mamas of unborn babies, stillborn babies, living, breathing, kicking babies. To all the mamas of lost babies, children, adults - you are not alone.  We are not alone.  
My sweet baby, I weep for all the times I didn't get to hold you here on Earth, but I rejoice because, one day, I will hold you in Heaven. 

Little Bunny FooFoo

I bet Sawyer would be scooping up Little Bunny Foo Foo and bopping him on the head.  We seem to be in a slight hitting bopping phase right now.  Nevertheless, that faithful Easter Bunny still hopped over to our house on Easter Night. Mimi and P-Paw also traveled up from Savannah and left Sawyer some goodies for the next morning.

I don't why this spoiled sweet baby isn't more surprised that there are presents waiting for him!

After assessing the Easter Bunny loot, we all got dressed up and headed over to Gigi and PawPaw's for the Clower festivities.  These festivities included over-eating and egg-hunting.

Sawyer's egg hunting this year consisted of him finding an egg, trying to eat it, and then carrying it around until he found another one. Daddy helped Sawyer find many tasty eggs, and he even made out with few money eggs!

We ended the day with full tummies, full hearts, and an empty tomb. 

Jesus said to her, "I am the ressurrection and the life.  He who believe in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. 

Wild Thing, You Make My Heart Sing

I'm embarrassed to admit that I've been planning Sawyer's first birthday since he was about three months old.  I even started a board on Pinterest. A secret board, so no one would suspect my true craziness.
Sawyer and I loved to read together, and one of my favorite books is Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak.  I planned Sawyer's Halloween costume to coincide with this event, so I could use his pictures for the invitation.  I am so happy with the way they turned out!
I turned our home into a small jungle for this event, complete with logs on the table and vines from the ceiling. 

The talented Aunt Jackie brought Saw the best looking (and tasting!) smash cake.  I love the little crown on the top.  Apparently Saw did, too, because he ended up deciding to wear it.



It's a good thing Ladybug was there to help Baby Saw open his presents.

Andrew and I were completely overwhelmed at the amount of people who showed up to love on our little guy. He so lucky to have so many people who love him. Thank you to everyone who came to celebrate with us!

And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.

Ephesians 3:18

52 Weeks

Dear Sawyer,

You are one.  

I promise not to be that mother that gives your age in weeks now that you are a year old. 

But, I will still hug and kiss you in public.  I'll try to be cool in front of your friends.

I promise to let you try new things now that you are a year old. 

But, I will always try to protect you from the dangers of the world. No, we still don't eat paper or dog food. 

I promise to let you walk one step ahead of me now that you are a year old.

But, I will be right there, one step behind, waiting to catch you if you fall. And, when you do fall, sweet boy, I will help you to know that pain is temporary but my love is forever. And so is His. Then, I will smother you with tickles and I will try to make you forget. 

I promise to let you explore independence now that you are a year old. 

But, I will still rock you to sleep and stand quietly by your crib.  There will be times, I'm sure, where I will still tiptoe into your room and watch your back rise and fall with your breath. 

I promise to sing with you daily, read to you nightly, and pray for you every second of every day. 

But, above all else, my precious child, I hope you know that He promises to hear your every need.  He will know, even before I do, what your heart desires.  And, when this world fails you, He never will.  

I promise I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always.  As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. 

Love,
Mommy

Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."

Is That You, Santa Claus?

Sawyer must have been extra good this year, because Christmas did not disappoint!

We started the festivities at Great Grandmother Mimi's house with appetizers and presents.  I love going to GG Mimi's because she always read the Christmas story from the bible.  This year, Sawyer had the privilege of placing baby Jesus in the manager.  It's a special tradition!

We left GG Mimi's to go to Uncle Kim and Aunt Beth's house for some more delicious, calorie-laden food and presents.  My side of the family is not very big, so I treasure our family gatherings.  Sawyer was spoiled rotten at both places, and I think he enjoyed the wrapping paper more than anything.

We were nestled in bed that evening when Santa stopped by.  We didn't leave milk and cookies this year, but jolly St. Nick didn't seem to mind.  He left Sawyer a big truck to ride in outside, a train track, toy trucks, clothes, and plenty of books!

I think I was more excited than Sawyer to see what Santa had left! He went straight for the truck and did a little dance.  Daddy has had fun pushing him around and around and around the living room.

Later that day, we headed to Mimi and P-Paw's house.  My mom has always cooked Christmas dinner, but next year I'll be taking over the tradition.  Mimi loves houseshoes and is always wearing hers, so she bought Sawyer a pair of his own. 

The day after Christmas, we hauled our last load of presents to Gigi and PawPaw's house for more Clower shenanigans.  Leighton loved helping Saw with his presents this year, and Sawyer loves any chance to eat Leighton's hair! Sawyer's loot included an activity table, blocks, a big dump truck, and a saw named Sawyer!

To say that our little guy is well loved is an understatement!

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

James 1:17

Merry Christmas

For unto us a child a child is born, to us a son is given. And the government shall be upon his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 

-Isaiah 9:6

Ten Months

Dear Sawyer, 

I have been playing memory keeper this month as time ticks closer to you being a year old.  Here are some things I will remember from your tenth month:
I will remember your mischievous grin. 

I will smile when I think about the way you say "Mmmmmm" after every bite at meal time.  And I will laugh about the times when you were just too tired to eat.  Being ten months old is hard work. 

One day, when I pack away these tiny clothes, I will remember your hatred for hats. 

When girls are no longer cool, I hope you'll still think Leighton hung the moon.  I'll remember the way you looked at her in awe. 

And how you were once captivated by Santa.  

At some point I know you'll sleep through the night again, and I'll remember the times when you only wanted to play in your crib. Also, I promise to periodically wake you up at 4:00 am to play when you're a teenager. 

Most of all, I'll remember what it felt like to hold all 19 pounds 2 ounces of you in my arms.  I'll remember what it felt like to have your head on my shoulder and your sweet, milky, baby breath in my ear.  

I'll love you forever. 

Love,
Mommy